I felt like Job. If I’m honest, I fully expected the outcome to be no different. I didn’t trust that God would come through. I didn’t trust Him that things would really be okay. I trusted His will would be done, but I didn’t believe His will was “good”. You see, when my dad died I had prayed like crazy. Everyone I knew was praying to whatever god, higher power, source of anything good they believed in. Yet there we were, 72 hours of complete utter chaos, last minute passports, 3am flights, and thousands of protesters in yellow shirts. The second worst week of my life. Why would this time be any different? Why would God answer these prayers and not the others? I’m not sure I want to know to the answer to why things turned out differently. All I know is they did. My best friend. THE love of my life. Mother to my children, partner in this crazy things called life. My staunchest supporter, my most reliable critic. She’s alive and well. She can breathe, and run, and hold our children and me when we need it. For these things and more I am thankful. Yet, for one week, the worst week of my life, I fully expected to lose all that. For one week I was scared, angry, confused and exhausted, all at the same time. Trying to be strong for the ones you love is not an easy task. Trying to be strong when your mind is consumed with what life would be like if/when the worst happened, is impossible. I lost it more than once. I drove home with tears pouring from eyes. I needed to “get it all out” so I could put on a brave face for my kids when I got home. Telling them, “Mommy is going to be okay” and feeling like I was half lying. What would I tell them if the worst did come to pass? How could I look them in eyes and say “Mommy is never coming home?”
Again, thank God I didn’t have to have that conversation, but it’s a feeling that I can’t shake. I felt emotions I hope to never feel again. You don’t forget that, but what do you do with it? What do you do with the knowledge gained from an experience like this? We watched Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D last night. Whatever your feelings on that show are you are of course entitled to them. However, if you don’t like the show, you’re wrong. Just saying. Anyway, the main character had an apparent “near death experience” in the Avengers movie (spoiler alert), should that have come before I typed the last sentence? Whatever. At the end of episode he was reflecting back on that time he was stabbed with an alien spear while onboard the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier and died… he said he didn’t feel okay, he felt “different”. One of this team members responded by telling him of course he was different. He died. You don’t come back from something like that unchanged, you can’t. So, I asked myself, how did I come back from the hospital with Jasmine? How are things different? Are they really? I’m not sure yet. I’m still figuring this out. What I do know… my best friend is home. She’s going to be fine. We’ve been through hell and back, twice. And we’re doing just fine. More than okay. Yeah, we have a bankruptcy attorney now and will finish fileing early next year, but you know what… F--K IT! It’s only money. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’d rather be bankrupt with Jasmine by my side than a single dad any day.
