That little light comes on, and maybe your car beeps at you... If you're driving with me in our van you might actually notice that it visibly startles me; that beeping is loud. It's telling me it is time to pull over and find a gas station; you won't get much farther, the tank is empty. I don't know about you but I personally don't have an early warning system. When I hit empty it usually happens without much warning. You push and push, you drive on and don't stop because that is what is required of you and suddenly you can't go on, there's no more gas in the proverbial tank. In college I got pretty good and pushing the limits of both tanks, my car and my body. "The light's on... I've got $20 in the bank. How far can I really make it?" Pizza, beer, or gas for the car? Physically I could pull an "all-nighter" or even stay up for an entire weekend when friends were in town. Somehow I could recover in a day or two and be ready to go again the next time something fun presented itself. Now... not so much. A few nights staying up finishing that paper for class, or calming a teething baby and I'm done. I've heard it said you can't "make up" for lost sleep, I believe it. I'm tired all the time, no really ALL. THE. TIME. The emotional and physical demands of working, parenting, being a good husband (I hope) and trying to finish my M.Div have taken their toll. I missed the loud beeping noise, I didn't see the warning lights.
In San Diego we rented a house that was at the bottom of a small hill, not really long, but fairly steep. I learned the hard way not to push the limits of that little warning light. One morning I went out to my old trusty Ford Bronco (no it was not white) and started to drive to school. I hit the bottom of the hill and the engine died almost instantly. I had run so long on so little gas that when I started up the hill the gas all shifted to the back of the tank and away from the full pump. No gas, no go. Last Tuesday I found myself at the bottom of personal hill with an empty tank. I'd be kidding myself if I said the warning lights weren't there. Like I said, I'm tired all the time. I've been sick on and off since November. My neck and back hurt from all the typing I do at work and at home, I have even developed "tennis elbow" and I don't play tennis. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Call it a strong work ethic or provider instinct, but these things were fine as long as I was supporting my family and working toward a better future... right? Not quite.
Many of you know that we are trying to move to Michigan so I can finish school there and hopefully cut our cost of living. Finances are tight for us here in Seattle, which is nothing new really. We pay bills, buy what we need, sometimes what we want and somehow there's money left at the end of the month and then we start all over again. Except lately there hasn't been any money left, bills get juggled, needs sometimes aren't met and wants, well... I've always kept a mental budget in my head, but I decided it was time to put in on paper and actually see where we are financially. It's not a pretty picture. There was a reason I was dipping into the savings account every month just to cover diapers or groceries. Our son needed shoes and suddenly we couldn't put gas in the car. What was going on? The ends used to meet! Here it was on paper, the final proof that we just couldn't make it work in Seattle any longer. Unfortunately trying to make it work had drained our savings pretty drastically. I began to wonder if we would even be able to afford to leave. Our oldest overheard Jasmine and I talking about our moving fund and being the sharp kid he is put 2 and 2 together. While getting ready for bed he offered me his piggy bank to help out. I politely declined saying we needed a little more than that. "But I have $5 cash! You can have it." For some reason that one little comment was all it took to break the dam. In my mind I had failed as a provider and therefore failed in every other aspect of my life. Tank empty.
In the week or so since then (did I mention it was my birthday?) I've spent a lot of time talking to friends and trusted mentors/counselors about everything going on. Through this I've come to the realization I need to ask for help. I don't do that very well. I'm a fixer and a problem solver. "I've got this!" No greater lie has ever been told. I do not have this. But I know who does, God. God has got this. And in this last week He has proven just how much of it He has. God is using friends and family to help lift our burdens and lift our spirits. The soul crushing loneliness of trying to do it all myself is slowly being replaced by a sense of peace. Peace in knowing that God is ultimately in control and whatever happens will happen according to His will. I've always been someone who is willing to help out others when I see the opportunity, God is teaching me that it goes both ways. And what a lesson. I was reminded of Galatians 6:2 this morning on my way in to work. God has us living in community for a reason. Sometimes life is just too much for one person to handle. It is in these times that we are to "bear one another's burdens" and in doing so we show God's love and at times His providence.
With my Bronco stuck at the bottom of the hill I had to call a friend I was supposed to carpool with and tell him I wasn't going to make it to school that day. He offered to come and pick me up so we could make it school on time and when he arrived he had a gas can in his trunk so I could get up the hill and fill my tank.
