What now...

I don’t complain much.  I don’t really see the point.  There are things in life that you can do something about, and things that you can’t.  Complaining just wastes energy that could be spent towards fixing the fixable or exhausted by griping about things that cannot be changed.  I’m also pretty reserved and private.  I don’t share a lot of what’s going on in my private life, mostly because I still believe that there is something called a “private life”.  That being said, this is a rare moment for me.  Public complaining.  You see, I try to do the right thing in nearly all situations. I believe in God and also believe that Jesus is my personal Lord and Savior. The one thing I always try to do (I almost never speak in absolutes, so this too is a big statement) is honor God and build His Kingdom.  That’s why – after 6 years as a biology major, thinking I was going to go to medical school – I went to a small Christian college and doubled majored in Pastoral Ministry and Theology.  After that I went straight to seminary and in four years received my Master’s of Arts in Theology with an emphasis in Biblical Studies and Theology.  I was preparing to do God’s work.  Still am.  Yet, here I am, two years after grad school, working an okay job (for a great boss) waiting for what’s next.  I thought going back to seminary and getting my Master’s of Divinity to prepare for ordination was the “next thing”, but we find ourselves stuck at a stand still.  You see, after switching to William Jessup University and pursuing the ministry as a vocation, things more or less went smoothly.  However, seminary was another story. In the four years I spent at Fuller Seminary I had two kids, two knees surgeries, lost my dad in a freak accident when he fell through a roof, and moved to Seattle.  When I applied to go back to school Jasmine ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung and we got stuck with thousands of dollars in medical bills and possible bankruptcy.  Leaving me to wonder, what’s the deal?  Either this is the greatest trial ever and the payoff for perseverance will be beyond anything we can imagine, or I’m stubbornly kicking against the goads and failing to see the light.  As we struggle week to week to pay our bills and put food on the table I can’t help but wonder where God is in all this.  I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to do what’s right and the reward is overdraft fees, an empty fridge and delinquency notices from our student loan lenders.  I’m starting to wonder if there really will a payoff in sticking with “the plan” or if it’s time to think about something else.